... - 2005-01-23
. - 2005-01-23
=( - 2004-05-17
ip - 2004-04-16
berlin - 2004-03-14
2003-04-07 @ 10:42
I turn into a terrible drug abuse. I'm dependent on pills. Every morning I have to take my antidepressants and vitimine. Thats ok, nothing wrong with that... But when it's about 8 pm I take som sleeping-pills, and 1/2 hour before I go to bed I take Imovane and I also have to take some pills similar to valium.. I can't remeber what they are called... So I get high on pills every night *lol* And the funniest thing is that they don't work. I just get high, but I don't sleep. I can't sleep. It's so frustrating! It really makes me crazy! I need to sleep!!!
I wnt to school today, but I'm already home again, and it's only 10.45 am here. I got one of my anxiety attacks again. I ran to the toilet and started to cut myself because I was so afraid. I was shaking and my vision was hazy. I used a dividers to cut myself this time. The only thing that easy to get.
When I was done I tried to slip away unseen, but in the hall I met my norwegian teacher. She asked why my skin was so pale. She said I looked sick. Then I just told her that I've got tummy bugs. And she belived me. Teachers are so easy to fool!!
When I steped on the scale this morning I was 90.5 pounds. That means a BMI of 13.8. Yack, I'm F A T!!!!! Disgusting! But I thought I had gained weight this weekend so I guess I have to be satisfied. As if!
I have to see my physiotherapist today, and I can't say I look forward to it. My eyes are ruddy because I've throwed up four times when I came home from school. Not because I ate, just because I needed to empty my body. I wonder if she will notice.. Hope not...
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Today I feel:
I wanna have control
I wanna perfect body
I wanna perfect soul
I want you to notice
When I'm not around
So fucking special
I wish I was special
But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here.
~Creep - Radiohead~
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